Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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