Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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