final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
