I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
