I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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