How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
