remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
