So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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