I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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