That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
