I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
