He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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