I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I FOUND THE LEGS
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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