just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Drunk is a universal language darling
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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