u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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