I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
