Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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