Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Who died my cat blue again?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
