I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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