Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
