I heard we made out
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
