I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
