I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
