Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
