i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
