I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
