I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He passed out mid-signature
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
