Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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