just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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