Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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