Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
pray to the hookup gods
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
