well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
