just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
