hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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