what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
