I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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