Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
