So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
