You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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