Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
