forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
