I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My bed smells like the plague
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
