Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
