I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just google imaged poop.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
