Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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