I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
