CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
