I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
