i just had sex bonerless
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
