sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
